Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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