Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
