she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
