Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
