u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
