It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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