Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
