Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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