i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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