Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
