I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
