Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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