i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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