Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
