my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
