He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
P.S. I can't hear my feet
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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