Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
