you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
