i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
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we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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