I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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