I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
