he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
