I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He passed out mid-signature
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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