dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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