wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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