I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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