youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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