I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
