she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
