he wants to bone in the snuggie
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
