Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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