I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
