sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
