I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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