I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
