I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
