You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I could fuck to npr.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
