So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
