just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
