I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
