at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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