why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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