I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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