I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
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I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
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i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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