i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
