I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
