You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
