Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
