dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
