You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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