Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
