I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
