I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
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There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
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you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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