what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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