I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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