You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
