My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
no you cant smoke seaweed
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
